


Agatha and her Merry Marxists

by pumpkinpaperweight



Series: soccer moms/modern au [3]
Category: The School for Good and Evil - Soman Chainani
Genre: ....yeah no i have no explanation for why this turned out like this it just.. did, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 13:17:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17623091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinpaperweight/pseuds/pumpkinpaperweight
Summary: “He knows Robin Hood is long dead, doesn’t he?” yawns Anadil. “Does he think his ghost is going to try and liquidate his assets?”-every good story has a moral.this is not a good story, but it has one anyway; don't be rude about tedros pendragon in the press if you like having dignity, poise, and a party without the ghost of robin hood crashing it and trying to unionise your security guards-potentially the weirdest birthday present phebe (@bugeyedtramp / @honorbird) is ever going to receive, ever.





	Agatha and her Merry Marxists

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bugeyedtramp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugeyedtramp/gifts).



> IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ALEX VS OR THE OTHER PARTS OF THE SOCCER MOMS AU BEFORE THIS, DO THAT. OR THIS WILL MAKE LITERALLY ZERO SENSE. i mean, you could read it without them, but it will be completely incomprehensible. it might be anyway. down with the bourgeoisie. enjoy!

**Group Chat** : _take me out of the oven bc I’m so done_

**_Marcus_ ** _added **Agatha/mom/MUM, Alex, we’re not American** to the chat_

**Agatha/mom/MUM, Alex, we’re not American:** why is my name so long

**Ros:** don’t ask tbh

**Agatha/mom/MUM, Alex, we’re not American** : actually why am I even here in the first place

**Alex:** I am very upset, momther

**Alex:** but first I’ll change your name gimme a sec

**_Alex_ ** _changed **Agatha/mom/MUM, Alex, we’re not American ‘s** name to **Agatha**_

**Alex:** as I was saying. I am very upset

**Agatha:** did you just call me “momther”

**Alex** : yeah it makes dad nervous and confused at the same time. As I was SAYING, I am upset

**Agatha:** yes, I’ve seen!!!!! Why?????

**_Alex_ ** _has added **Hester** , **Anadil** and **Dot** to take me out of the oven bc I’m so done _

**Alex:** what is plan guillotine and why am I NOT A PART OF IT!!!

**Hester:** MARCUS

**Marcus:** I did warn you that you’d have to actually buy my silence, you ignored me

**Dot** : I tried to tell her lol

**Anadil:** Alex, you’re not even here. As in, like, here. You’re two hours away in a different city. with Beatrix. how could you be a part of it

**Alex:** you could just wait for me to get back????

**Agatha:** sorry love but this is the perfect window for revenge, ashy is having a party tonight

**Alex:** who’s ashy

**Ros:** public enemy no.1. Adrian Ashbourne. Full-time bitchass

**Agatha:** I’m gonna let that slide because I hate him too

**Alex:** oh right lmao

**Alex:** but if I’m not going to be included in plan guillotine, I want regular updates and possibly a detailed flowchart posted here. This is my gc and it has a long and bountiful history

**Hester:** done

**Dot:** complete with memes?

**Alex:** if you wouldn’t mind

**Agatha:** …“long and bountiful history?”

**Ros:** does the fact that this used to be called “secret soccer alliance” ring any bells

**Agatha:** this is THAT CHAT?

**Marcus:** …no?

**Ros:** WAIT DON’T SCROLL UP

**Agatha:** WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY MEMES OF TEDROS

* * *

 

**MODELLING BOSS AND MULTIMILLIONAIRE ADRIAN ASHBOURNE BLASTS EX-EMPLOYEE TEDROS PENDRAGON: “SCRABBLING FOR RELEVANCE IN AN INDUSTRY THAT HASN’T WANTED HIM SINCE HE WAS NINETEEN”**

The headline had appeared about a week and a half earlier, pretty much out of the blue. Alex had found it first, and called Ros in a blind rage. Then she’d hit about halfway down the article and hung up abruptly. Ros, rather worried she’d passed out or something, called her back and found out, through lots of swearing and the kerfuffle of Alex getting kicked out of Tesco for throwing a rack of gossip magazines, found out what exactly the article had featured.

  1. Recent paparazzi photos
  2. Recent paparazzi photos with Alex, Marcus and Ros in them
  3. Recent paparazzi photos with _Agatha_ in them
  4. Unsubtle digs at Agatha
  5. Unsubtle digs at Beatrix
  6. Unsubtle digs at Alex
  7. The rest of the article that dubbed Tedros “old”, “irrelevant”, “diminishing rapidly”. In that order.



“Someone knows how to use a thesaurus.” Mused Marcus when Alex had come thundering through the door and shoved her phone under his nose. “Diminishing? Come _on.”_

“I’M GONNA KILL HIM!” Alex had roared.

“You’re gonna kill who?” said Tedros from the doorway.

Alex had panicked and thrown her phone in the fish tank.

He’d found out though, obviously, because Alex couldn’t lie. No matter how hard Marcus and Rosalind had tried to cover for her, she’d told a very confused Agatha the second she got through the door. Tedros had overheard about half of it and confronted Alex at dinner, who’d burst into furious tears and broken as spectacularly as a porcelain doll being bulldozed. Rosalind and Marcus had simultaneously remembered why they never told Alex any secrets.

(To Tedros’s credit, he’d tried his best to laugh at the fish tank / phone incident instead of really focusing on the content article, but it didn’t work very well.)

They had not discussed it since.

Except they had.

A lot.

Just not to Tedros.

 

* * *

 

“I still don’t understand this.” Says Tedros as Rosalind yanks him towards the door. “Neither of you _like_ the beach.”

“But Ros likes gambling.” Points out Marcus. “And ice-cream.”

“She’s thirteen!”

“That’s why she’s sticking to slot machines on the pier. She’s very good at them.”

“She is _very_ good at them.” Says Agatha, subtly trying to usher them out of the door a bit faster. “Win me something, Ros.”

“I will if Tedros ever _leaves!”_

“I’m going!” wails Tedros, shuffling over the threshold.

“Don’t know why you’re so reluctant, honestly.” Says Agatha slyly. “Perfect opportunity to tan.”

Got him.

Even with his current, Adrian-induced, low self-esteem, playing to Tedros’s vanity was the perfect tactic. Worked every time.

“Well.” says Tedros, as if he was actually, like, considering it. “I suppose that’s true.”

“DO YOU WANT ICE CREAM OR NOT.” Bellows Rosalind from the car.

The bush next to the hedge snorts slightly. Tedros blinks-

“That damn hedgehog.” Says Agatha, making a note to bludgeon Dot for not just _waiting twenty minutes._ “Go on, I’ll catch it and move it to the garden. See you tomorrow, my love.”

She prays he’ll just bloody _leave._

Bewildered, Tedros looks between her, Ros, the bush and the car.

“…Okay?”

 

* * *

 

“WHY IS HE SO CLINGY.” Booms the hedge the second the car has rounded the corner.

“He has abandonment issues, you know this. Get out of my hedge.”

Hester, Dot and Anadil do as they’re told.

“Right, what’s the plan?” demands Hester, picking leaves out of Anadil’s hair.

Agatha sighs.

“I made a flowchart, like Alex asked. Its inside, under my bed. And Sophie should be here any minute-”

A very expensive car pulls up nearby, nearly flattening the local stray cat.

“…now.” finishes Agatha. “I _told_ you to bring a normal car!” she shouts down to her sister, currently being helped out of the car by her chauffer.

“I refuse to travel in a car without a fridge!” snaps Sophie, tottering up the garden path with several ominous-looking garment bags draped in her arms. “And anyway, we’re using it to get to the party, I _refuse_ to let you drive in your battered little Prius-”

Hester suddenly looks considerably less excited.

“Do we _really_ need her?”

“How did you think we were getting _into_ the party?” demands Agatha. “We’re her guests.”

_“_ And you need formal clothes!” Sophie declares. “You can’t go to _this_ party in a murdered bride costume, darling!”

Hester groans.

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat** : _take me out of the oven bc I’m so done_

**Alex:** *john mulaney voice* any UpDATes?

**Ros** : yeah! we took off while you were in the bathroom. Because we hate you.

**Alex:** ah, ros, we might not be related by blood, but our souls are intricately linked with memes, cinnamon and raisin bagels, and obscure references

**Alex** : they’d be linked more if dad got his act together

**Ros:** MY MOTHER IS ON THIS CHAT NOW!!!!

**Alex:** haha oh yeah oops

**Agatha** : no comment

**Dot** : has he not even asked for a ring size? :(

**Agatha:** NO COMMENT

**Alex:** seriously though, what’s happening

**Hester:** the plan is go to Adrian Ashbourne’s party and humiliate him

**Alex: …** and?

**Hester:** no that’s it

**Alex:** sounds like one of my plans. awesome.

**Agatha:** well we’re going as Sophie’s guests so it doesn’t look suspicious, in formal dress. It’s not _that_ bad

**Alex:** eh, my mum says to tell you it’s a brilliant plan and she’s half tempted to turn up herself

**Hester:** the Beatrix Seal of Approval! Nice

**Anadil** : has the Beatrix Seal of Approval actually ever gone to any plan that worked, though

**Dot** : her second marriage. But other than that it is 99% unreliable

**Alex:** …she says that’s fair

 

* * *

 

“-and if you eat more than five hors d'oeuvres, you get blacklisted-” Sophie continues as the limo glides down the street. Agatha, uncomfortable in a high leg slit and starting to see the many potential flaws in this plan, frowns.

“What kind of life do you _live?”_

Sophie scoffs.

“Teddy could tell you crazier things, darling. But remember, you _have_ to behave yourselves.”

“Oh, sorry, I was planning on body-slamming Adrian the second I got there.” Snaps Agatha. Sophie shoots her a dirty look. Hester looks as if that might have _actually_ been her plan, and slides down in her seat, scowling.

“Don’t even know why you two came, to be honest.” Chirps Dot, admiring herself in the tinted windows. “You don’t like Teddy. Would have thought you’d be gleeful about Adrian’s dig.”

Agatha has been wondering that herself, actually. Hester snorts, squinting at her newly-buffed nails.

“I was, until he got Agatha, Beatrix and the kids involved.”

Any hopes that Agatha had previously held of Hester starting to like Tedros were promptly squashed.

Sighing, she sat back and squinted out of the window at the trees passing.

“Where even _is_ this party?”

“It’s in his chateau, in his _private_ part of Sherwood Forest.” Sophie yawns. “They don’t spend much time here. They keep getting random, lost people from Center Parcs wandering in, and he doesn’t like looking at people with a net worth of less than one million.”

“How much do surgeons make?” whispers Dot.

_“Not_ one million.” Agatha tells her.

“I was gonna say, why do you keep buying me chocolate for my birthday if you’re minted-?”

“ _And,”_ Sophie interrupts, “He’s very superstitious, and that specific patch of woods has all sorts of rumours surrounding it.”

“He knows Robin Hood is long dead, doesn’t he?” yawns Anadil. “Does he think his ghost is going to try and liquidate his assets?”

Dot appears to be conveying this all to the group chat, judging by her sniggers and fast typing.

“I don’t _know.”_ Huffs Sophie. “I try and stay away from Adrian. Odious man. Hideous personal fashion taste. How he came to run an agency for supermodels I shall _never_ understand.”

The car slides to a stop, and Sophie blinks, smoothing out her frown lines.

“Alright, ladies, smile, pretend you want to be here, and _don’t do anything stupid.”_

The last part is directed pointedly at Hester, who blinks innocently at her.

“Honestly, Sophie.” She says, pushing something a little further down into her blazer pocket- something that, from Agatha’s nearly twenty years of medical experience, looks suspiciously like a laxative. “I don’t know what you take me for.”

* * *

 

“I feel like I’m at work.” Hisses Agatha as they enter the manor in the wake of a starched, primped maid. (A _maid!)_  “Why is it almost _aseptic?”_

“He’s a germaphobe.” Says Sophie. “He’s infamous for it.” They pass several tasteless marble statues, all bearing the same face, and she sneers. “He’s also infamous for bad and unsubtle statues of himself.”

Agatha, who is fairly certain Sophie has a copy of Botticelli’s _Birth of Venus,_ but with the goddess’s face replaced with her own, does not comment.

They are led through a set of double doors into the main party- an open-sided pavilion bustling with people, lit with dozens of roaring braziers (Agatha’s glad Sophie laid off on the hairspray), and paths leading down to the trees scattered with tiny lights. People bustle around, chatting and laughing, but it doesn’t feel particularly sociable- Agatha gets an uncomfortable feeling of a subtle, but undeniable, power struggle.

Dot whistles quietly.

“Never seen so much Gucci in my life.”

“That’s Tom Ford, you swine.” Hisses Sophie, yanking her along. “And- oh, I say, _that’s_ mine. And so is that. _And_ that, but that’s _last_ year’s summer collection, my lord. And-”

“Ms Woods!”

Everyone looks up as a tall, broad man comes striding out of the crowd, dark hair in a severe part over his wide forehead, his ruffled shirt straining against his equally wide shoulders.

Sophie’s face seems to struggle between extreme agony at his choice of shirt and extreme disdain at his general existence, before settling on her usual, haughty indifference.

(If her usual haughty indifference was homicidal, and on steroids.)

Sophie’s reaction leaves no doubt in Agatha’s mind as to who _this_ is, even though they have a picture of him glued to the flowchart, and annotated by Alex (“this man is a the nastiest skank bitch I have EVER met. Do NOT trust him. He is a fugly slut.” _)_

Adrian Ashbourne stops and smiles at Sophie in what he obviously thinks is a welcoming manner, but actually makes him look like he’s got gas.

“How nice you could make it.” He says, with surprising sincerity. Agatha didn’t know he’d unlocked that emotion.

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” Coos Sophie, completely falsely. “Your little parties are always so quaint, Adrian.”

Adrian’s smile wavers slightly.

“Yes.” He says, in the shadow of a few hundred guests, and crystal chandelier that Agatha is fairly sure Sophie has two of in her basement. “Quite.”

One of the men beside Adrian is typing frantically onto his phone. Dot, nearby, peers over to look as Sophie yanks Agatha to her side.

“I don’t believe you’ve met my sister? Aggie, this is Adrian Ashbourne, the man of the hour. Adrian, this is Agatha Kaenthai.”

Recognition flares in Adrian’s eyes as they shake hands.

“Pleased to meet you, Ms Kaenthai.”

“Doctor.” Agatha corrects mildly, subtly wiping her hand on her dress. “Likewise.”

Neither of them mean it, unsurprisingly.

“I saw your new collection.” Adrian is saying to Sophie, loudly.

“Oh.” Sophie examines her nails. “Did you.”

“Yes. It was inspired. I did wonder if you’d be in need of any of my models, you know I’m always willing to help out a fellow professional in the industry-”

“He’s sucking up, Sophie is richer than him, his bloke just googled it.” Whispers Hester. Agatha snorts.

“Then why doesn’t she contribute to my GoFundMe?” hisses Dot.

“Because that was to raise money for you to buy a freeze ray?” offers Anadil.

“I just wanted to be like Gru.”

“ _They don’t exist, you imbecile!”_

“- thank you, but I’m perfectly happy with the ones I’ve got.”

“…oh?” Adrian’s smile wavers, and for a second slips into something a lot nastier. “I’d have thought you’d want to trade in for a… newer model.”

Agatha’s head snaps up, Hester nearly drops her champagne glass, Anadil’s heel comes down on Agatha’s foot, Dot chokes on her canape.

_Newer **model?**_ He hadn’t meant that literally, and Agatha knew it. Objective, selfish, cruel- was there anything about this man that wasn’t transposed directly from a Disney villain instruction manual?

Sophie smiles indulgently at Adrian.

“Send an email to my people, won’t you? I’ll be rather busy- you see, my most recent collection has _already sold out_.”

An ugly, purplish hue starts to creep up Adrian’s neck.

“Ooh, champagne. Lovely.” Sophie swipes a glass and turns back to him. “Remind me which ones your models are, again? Their faces just don’t stick in my head, I’m terribly sorry- or their names, for that matter.”

* * *

 

**Group Chat** : _take me out of the oven bc I’m so done_

**Dot** : oh my god

**Alex:** WHAT’S HAPPENED

* * *

 

Adrian takes a breath-

“Champagne, Mr Ashbourne?” Hester offers him a glass, a slightly nasty smile gracing her face. She’s always relished in Sophie’s unpleasant streak. Adrian snatches it impatiently and wheels back to Sophie, face twisting unpleasantly-

His eyes shift to the space behind her, and his snarl loosens and drops entirely. Agatha, unsettled by the fluctuations in his attitude, doesn’t notice who he’s looking at until he says her name.

“Ah, Justice Pipp.” His smile is back, but it’s definitely forced, now. “I’m so glad you could attend.”

Nicola stares balefully at Adrian, chewing silently on whatever she’s swiped from the waiters, taking her sweet time.

Adrian coughs.

“I… see you declined my invitation to attend the dinner beforehand.”

Nicola finishes chewing and regards him coolly.

“I was working.” She says.

“Ah.” Says Adrian. “I see. You’re… doing that a lot.”

Nicola doesn’t grace him with a response.

“Did you get my emails?” presses Adrian.

“I did.” Says Nicola. She turns to the rest of them. “Hello, Agatha.”

“Hi, Nicola.” Agatha sighs, somewhere between relieved and worried to see her.

“You, um.” Says Adrian. “Know each other.”

“We were roommates when we were students.” Says Nicola. “Agatha was getting her doctorate whilst I was at law school. We lived in the same town, so it was convenient.”

Adrian looks slightly seasick.

“How…nice. Would you excuse me for a minute? Please, enjoy the party.”

He hustles away, his attendants trailing after him, and Agatha spins to Nicola.

“Nic-”

“Let me guess, you’re here on some sort of mad revenge plan for what he said about Pasty Boyfriend No.3.”

“Actually, Teddy has a tan.” Wisps Sophie. Nicola ignores her.

“We’re…not?” tries Dot.

“Hester put a laxative in Adrian’s drink.” Says Nicola, by way of combating that. Agatha whirls to Hester, who just smirks.

“ _What type was it.”_ she snarls.

It’s said with so much venom that Hester looks very slightly sheepish.

“Dunno. Some sort of saline one.”

Agatha’s face must be a picture.

“Is that bad?” grins Anadil. Agatha resists the urge to head-butt the nearby pillar.

“They _work really fast!”_

“I know.” Says Hester.

“What were you _thinking-_? _“_

“Well it’s no fun if it happens when the party is over, is it?” yawns Hester. Agatha clutches her head.

“The plan was to humiliate him, Hester! Not physically harm him! I can’t believe I didn’t think you’d do it-”

“We’re not poisoning him, are we? How fast does it work, though-”

_“This was not the plan!”_ barks Agatha.

“Did you actually have a plan?” whispers Nicola to Sophie.

“Not really.” Sophie admits. Then she frowns. “Why was he emailing you?”

Nicola huffs.

“He wants to get on my good side in case he ends up in court.”

Slowly, Agatha looks up.

“…why would he go to court?”

“Adultery? Tax fraud?” offers Nicola. “Defamation? I’m just waiting for someone to sue him. It’ll be a day to remember.”

Dot’s eyes narrow.

“…tax fraud?”

“Almost common knowledge at this point. Are you surprised?” Nicola asks her.

“No.” says Dot, but whips out her phone regardless, presumably to write it down.

Agatha groans, leaning against the wall. Sophie takes another glass of champagne.

“How much longer do we have to be stuck here?”

* * *

 

The answer is long enough for Adrian to come back, tragically, looking no worse for wear. Agatha prays the laxative will take six hours, instead of one.

(She hopes Hester’s praying too, because if it’s one hour, Agatha is going to murder her.)

He doesn’t actually talk to them, though; he stands nearby with his posse and talks very loudly, instead. There’s a couple of reporters among them, scribbling furiously;

“- yes, nearly sold out, my models are very popular-”

“-models don’t tend to leave me, and when they do, they don’t get many gigs. I’ve heard there’s one working at Party City nowadays. A pity-”

“-haven’t heard of her? She left me early on, too-”

And on it went. They’d tried to move. He’d followed. They’d tried to talk to each other. He’d talked louder.

Now, Agatha was at her wit’s end. They’d been stood here for nearly two hours, and it was completely dark outside. She envied Tedros and the twins. Maybe she should have just gotten Marcus and Ros to hack into his tax records, instead, they could probably do it-

“-yes, I host parties for my models every year, I remember one year, Tedros Pendragon and another model, Park Jun, got very drunk and fell down the manor steps, the paparazzi were all over it- in fact, how funny…”

He turns to Agatha and smiles triumphantly.

“Don’t you date Tedros Pendragon now, Dr Kaenthai?”

Agatha has a brief vision of shoving him into one of the fire pits and letting the flames consume him.

They both know the real story behind that particular anecdote- Jonathan had fainted from the water loss required for the latest shoot, Tedros had tried to catch him and broken the heel on the shoe he was wearing, and they’d both fallen down the stairs instead. But at the time, Adrian had gotten it covered up.

Apparently now they don’t make money for him anymore, he doesn’t mind a little _embellishment._

“Yes.” She says. “I do. He told me about that, in fact.”

“ _Did_ he?” yawns Adrian. “How fun. What did he say?”

The reporters lean forwards.

“ _No,_ Aggie!” hisses Sophie. Hester and Anadil stare at each other, startled, Nicola’s eyes narrow-

Dot screams.

An honest-to-god, blood-curdling scream that makes Nicola spill champagne all down herself and Hester nearly fall over in her heels.

Everyone else turns to gawk as well. Agatha spins, utterly bewildered, as Dot hollers like a banshee, doing a very convincing job of looking distraught, what is she _doing_ -

Another scream breaks out behind them, and they wheel to see another woman backing away from the drinks table, where- where-

“ADRIAN ASHBOURNE!” booms a distorted voice, echoing throughout the pavilion. “PAY YOUR TAXES!”

Adrian makes pathetic, squeaky sort of sound.

Stood on the drinks table is a gangling, lanky, figure, utterly slathered in mud and leaves. Their face is completely covered with some sort of green fabric, features made indistinct, and a tattered, feathered cap teeters on their misshapen head. A bow is clutched in a long-fingered hand.

And they’re _glowing._ Like, actually glowing. Random patches of coloured light emanate from lumps in their limbs or hips or shoulders. Complete with the low light, and the shifting shadows cast by the fire pits, it’s an incredibly disconcerting image.

Dot is still screaming, crouched by one of the fire pits. Agatha has no idea why.

Adrian recovers himself.

“WHAT IS THIS?” he roars. “SECURITY!”

“STOP THIS FRIVOULOUS FEAST!” commands the newcomer. “YOU ARE A LIAR AND A GREEDY NARCISSIST!”

“SECURITY, GET THIS FOOL OUT OF MY PARTY!” howls Adrian, blotching red with fury, but his eyes are wide and it’s clear he’s unsettled by this new development.

“YOU FOOL!” roars back the… something. They wave a hand in a grandiose arc, and-

_Woosh._

Everyone stumbles backwards as one of the fire pits, the one Dot had been nearby, bursts up into roaring flames, re-ignited as if by magic. Shrieks ripple across the crowd, and several (very powerful, very rich) guests start to back away, towards the doors. Adrian sees them, and panic blossoms obviously on his stupid square face-

“What the hell is going on?” splutters Hester. Bewildered, Agatha swings back to the newcomer, wondering how on earth they could have known what they’d discussed tonigh-

She makes eye contact, and they look away just a little too slowly.

Agatha knows those buggy eyes. Those big, bright, buggy eyes. No matter how concealed they are by mud and _morph suits_ and hats.

Suddenly, she wishes she’d kept a closer eye on that damned group chat.

**“ _ALEXANDRA PENDRAGON!”_**

She’s lucky it was so loud, really, or Agatha would have completely blown her cover. Alex shouts over her, though, as the security finally stop bumbling and hurry towards her-

“YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL SECURITY CAN HAVE NO AFFECT UPON THE SPIRIT OF _ROBIN HOOD_!” roars Alex.

An arrow streaks out of the forest and embeds itself into one of the pillars.

Agatha can’t believe Beatrix is abusing her status as an archery instructor like this.

People are screaming and running now, the arrows adding a new, very real threat, and Adrian’s staff are obviously struggling to keep their cool.

(And their paychecks.)

But one of the bar staff, a girl stood near Agatha, frowns. Her name tag reads _Bert._

“I’m 90% sure that’s not a real ghost.” She says.

Then someone trips and goes head-over-heels into the bar, and Agatha loses sight of her.

“STOP THIS! STOP THIS!” screams Adrian, stamping his feet like a petulant child. His security finally reach Alex’s table, shoving each other in front like schoolchildren.

Mud and Morph Suit Alex peers down at them.

“DOES HE PAY YOU WELL? YOU COULD UNIONISE, YOU KNOW.”

“Why is she shouting?” wheezes Hester, trying to suppress her laughter and not really succeeding. _“Why is she shouting?”_

“GET DOWN FROM THE TABLE.” Barks Adrian from behind the wall of beefy security men. But Alex’s continued shouting and everyone’s reluctance to approach, as well as the arrows, are making him uneasy. His face doesn’t seem to be able to decide between white or red. It’s currently a delightful hue of pink, _a la_ baby sick.

“REDISTRIBUTE YOUR WEALTH, AND I’LL CONSIDER IT.”

Agatha puts her head in her hands. Hester is too busy crying with laughter to do much.

“ _HOW DARE YOU INFILITRATE MY PARTY LIKE THIS! I WILL HAVE YOU ARRESTED!”_

“NO ONE EVER ARRESTED ROBIN HOOD, YOU STUPID LITTLE MAN-”

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat** : _take me out of the oven bc I’m so done_

**Ros:** lmaoooo Alex if you actually did it I’d laugh so hard

**Ros:** how’s it going

**Ros:** guys

**Ros:** hello?

**Ros** : oh no

**Ros:** oh no you actually did it didn’t you

 

* * *

 

That was the final straw, apparently.

Adrian jolts upwards. Ghost or no, he apparently will not take being insulted by _anyone._

Bellowing like a bull, Adrian barrels through his security and dives for Alex’s ankles. Sophie shrieks.

Agatha doesn’t react fast enough.

Nicola swears.

Adrian lunges, a full body tackle, his whole weight behind it-

Luckily, Alex bullies Tedros. And they do not care enough about potential injury when it comes to trying to tackle each other.

Alex pivots neatly, and lets Adrian fly through her legs.

He lands with a tremendous crash, face first in the salmon tureen.

There is a long, long silence. Adrian lies in the salmon tureen, unmoving.

Alex stares at him.

Everyone stares at him.

No one says anything.

“Is he dead?” whispers Dot.

“Um.” Says Alex. Then she realises everyone’s staring.

“Oh- AHAHA! THE FOOLISHNESS OF THIS… FOOLISH RICH MAN! HE FLEW RIGHT THROUGH MY INSUBSTANTIAL GHOSTLY BODY!”

There are several legitimately convinced gasps scattered through the crowd. Hester groans.

“BUT NOW, I MUST RETURN TO THE MY FOREST HAUNT. DOWN WITH THE BOUREGOUISE!”

Alex thrusts her fist into the air.

Bert the Bartender cheers.

Alex swipes a plate of canapes, salutes Adrian, who is coughing up salmon, and runs away into the night, leaving only muddy footprints and a tattered, pointed hat in her wake.

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat** : _take me out of the oven bc I’m so done_

**Ros:** GUYS

**Ros:** GUYS

**Ros:** GUYS

**Ros:** GUYS

**Ros:** GUYS

**Ros:** OH MY GOD GUYS IT’S AN EMERGENCY

**Ros:** ALEX!!!!!!!!!!!! ALEX FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!

**Ros:** AAAAAAAAAAA DON’T COME HOME

 

* * *

 

The party is over after that.

Sophie and Nicola leave with the rest of the guests, rushing to give their opinion to the reporters now swarming up the steps. Adrian stalked away in a blind rage, sending out security to comb the area. They won’t find anything, Agatha can be pretty sure. In himself, he was disappointingly unscathed, just very salmon-y.

(“For now.” Hester had crowed as they left, waving the tiny bottle of laxative. Agatha is almost disappointed they wouldn’t witness another humiliation.)

They follow the trail of blinis and cucumber into the woods like Hansel and Gretel (if Hansel and Gretel were members of the bourgeoisie and ate canapes instead of bread) and find Beatrix’s car idling by the road.

“Oh, hello.” Says Alex, chomping her way through the plate of canapes. She’s still glowing faintly. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Alright, out with it.” Agatha flings herself into the back, watching chunks of slowly drying mud slough off of Alex, revealing even more neon green morph suit underneath. “How’d you do it? If it’s particularly ingenious, I won’t even be mad.”

Alex shrugs.

“Glowsticks in the morph suit. Mud from the woods. Quick scan of some communism memes. Uh, Dot tipping shots from the bar into the fire pits, quick stop at Party City for the hat, and… extreme hubris. And hatred for Adrian. Obviously.”

Agatha can’t help it. She starts laughing.

“He’s going to be _so_ mad.” She snorts.

“He’s too humiliated to actually say what happened.” Grins Anadil. “That was amazing. Did you see his face? He totally believed it by the end.”

Alex cackles.

“I make a very good Robin Hood. My _angry man_ impression is on point. Now let’s go home, I need to wash all this mud off and learn how to feign innocence before Dad gets back.”

 

* * *

 

“I haven’t checked the group chat.” Alex sighs, wandering back down the corridor after bidding goodbye to Beatrix and the Coven. “I wonder if we made local news.”

Alex turns on the sitting room light.

Alex screams.

“ _Actually,”_ growls Tedros, clutching Rosalind’s phone. “It made _national_.”

Agatha and Tedros stare at each other. Alex gawks at Marcus and Ros. Chicken wanders in and starts sniffing Alex’s legs.

“You should have checked the group chat.” Mourns Marcus.

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat** : _take me out of the oven bc I’m so done_

_Ros has posted a link:_ **ASHBOURNE HUMILIATED: PRANKSTER INFILITRATES HIGH-PROFILE PARTY DRESSED AS THE GHOST OF ROBIN HOOD, CAUSES MASS HYSTERIA**

**Marcus:** Alex Start A New Life As A Goat Herder In Switzerland Challenge

 

* * *

 

Tedros is still ranting twenty minutes later **.**

“-and _then,_ ” Tedros hisses. “I saw you on the news, at Adrian’s party, surrounded by security, in your stupid morph suit!”

He stops and stares at Alex, waiting for a response.

Alex sighs deeply, almost sorrowfully.

Agatha knows she should also be mad at Alex.

Agatha knows Tedros has a point.

Agatha feels slightly responsible for this mess.

…

Agatha eagerly awaits Alex’s response.

“Aw,” says Alex, stood there in her muddy, neon green morph suit. “Aw. Come on, Dad.”

A clod of mud falls off her head and lands with a _splat_ on the floor, exposing even _more_ green Lycra.

“You know I don’t own a morph suit.”

* * *

 

**Group Chat** : _take me out of the oven bc I’m so done_

**Alex:** anyone in this chat know any tricks for lowering blood pressure

**Alex:** Agatha’s whole doctorate never prepared her for when it’s Alex-Induced, it seems

 

**Author's Note:**

> don't say i didn't warn you   
> happy birthday phebe!!!!! follow @bugeyedtramp (tumblr) @honorbird (instagram) if you like hestadil and art, and also because I told you to


End file.
